Live the Questions

The day I received my 5 month cardiac clearance last week was the same day we received Pia's new stet which was sent by her Tita Tessa from the U.S. As I stared at the coral stet with her name engraved on it, I thought about how the heart has played such a huge role in our family's history -- from my father, to Pia's brother, to my choice of cardio-electro physiologist to the path that Pia is now contemplating. 

The heart and all its permutations, both literally and figuratively, has shaped a huge part of me. Little by little, as I grow older, the dots, as Steve Jobs likes to say, eventually connect. 

My cardiologist, who is also an electro physiologist (a specialist in the heart's electrical pathways) is a childhood friend. I first met her as a little girl when she was 9 years old and I was 12. Who would've known back then that 30 years later I would find myself as a patient in her clinic? 

It's amazing how life plays out and how God brings us the people we need at various points in our journey. Whenever I become anxious or when things weigh heavily on my heart, one of my favorite passages from Rilke's "Letters To A Young Poet" never fails to give comfort. 

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer."

Day 96

Dani Girl

"Will I still get to see my mom?" Dani Girl, asks her guardian angel Raph, towards the end of her cancer journey. "Yes, all the time," he replies.

Dani Girl, the directorial debut of Tof de Venecia is a brave, beautiful and moving musical about faith, friendship, and the triumph of love over death. It strikes a deep chord among those of us who have lost loved ones, or for anyone whose life has been deeply touched by cancer. The musical willbe many things to many people, depending on the lens upon which you view it, and the life experiences that you have had so far. 

Watching it tonight, at the RCBC theater, I was reminded of Mitch Albom's quote from "The Five People That You Meet In Heaven" -- "Death only ends a life, not a relationship."  Dani Girl will make you think about your own life, and at the same time move you towards a deeper understanding about the journey that is cancer. It runs at the RCBC Theater until July 27, 2014, produced by The Sandbox Collective. 

Relationship Baggage

Travel light. 

In every relationship, there is a certain amount of baggage that both parties bring in. In a truly loving and caring one, the parties help one another unpack. Problems set in when one of the parties refuses to let the excess baggage down, or worse, fail to acknowledge that the baggage even exists. This is often manifested in rude, insensitive behavior towards the other party; or behaviors like apathy, neediness, a fear of commitment, irrational anger, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse which of course must not be tolerated.

True unpacking begins with finding the courage to show vulnerability. Communication that is honest, open, and kind are essential tools in the unpacking. Without it, there can be no progress. 

To be vulnerable is to be brave. If the other party accepts it and is likewise brave enough to look inside his or her vulnerabilities too then the journey ahead, when traveled together, becomes so much lighter. If not, then one will have to make the choice of offloading the baggage that is not needed, and bravely walk the rest of the journey alone. 

Intimate relationships are the arena wherein all our childhood issues come out (baggage) and God, in His infinite wisdom and grace, always brings you who you need along the journey. Pay attention, stay open, be humble, be brave enough to drop the mask. All things work together in His perfect time.

Day 98

Please Be Careful With My Heart

The heart always knows. 

I was blessed with an extra electrical pathway in my heart. The congenital condition is called Wolff Parkinson's White. Nothing is prohibited, except that I need to constantly be on guard for excesses -- too much stress, lack of sleep, caffeine and alcohol are to be avoided as much as possible. Exercise is a must, five times a week is ideal because it helps regulate everything. 

As I've gotten older, I've learned to rely on my heart's internal GPS more by listening to its early warning signals when to avoid certain situations and people before it goes haywire. Letting go, as I grow older, has been a lot easier to do. 

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. What's meant to be will end up good, and what's not won't. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than what they were willing to give you."

-- Lessons Learned from Life 

Day99

Painting from SLMC Global Heart Institute

A Hundred Days

Among all my friends, I'm perhaps the most excited about turning 50. 

I've been writing about turning 50 over the last couple of years and now, have started this blog to kick off the hundred days until I mark the big 5-0. Today is Day 100. There is an independent film starring Mylene Dizon which has for its title "100" but unlike Mylene's character who dies on her 100th day, I am so looking forward to the beginning of my 50th year here on earth. 

If you knew my history you would understand why. 

My dad passed away from a massive heart attack at the age of 49. Thus, the number 50 has always held a special significance for me. When my heart went mildly haywire earlier this year, I was in a panic, wondering if I would be consigned to his fate, but thankfully it wasn't so. Since then however, I've learned to be very careful with my heart, both literally, and figuratively. Now, I discern better and it only beats for the things and people who truly matter. Now my heart has so much more hope, so much more joy.

I was always the little girl who was big on birthdays. I loved parties, and a nice birthday cake, balloons, playing games, and dancing with friends. Some of my happiest childhood memories are attached to birthday parties that my parents would throw for me every other year. 

This year, I pray it won't be different, but that it will be more meaningful, spent in the company of people I deeply care about, doing good, surrounded by love, enfolded in His grace. 

It's been an amazing 49th year so far, and because I want to preserve the last 100 days leading to my 50th, I plan to write about each day here. Some days it will be about significant memories I've had over the last 49 years, other times, it will be about what brings me joy or what gives meaning to me on a particular day.  The goal is to give thanks and celebrate each day with something good. After all, each day we are given is a gift from God. Not everyone has had the privilege to make it to 50. 

Here I am at age 6, with my princess birthday cake, looking all happy and hopeful. Many things change, but some things remain the same. 

October 16, 1970  in White Plains